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As the parent of a young teen, have you ever felt as if you’ve been catapulted back into the “terrible twos,” complete with shouting and tears? Adolescence can be a turbulent time, when young people are figuring out their place in the world and expanding their horizons, yet still needing love, acceptance, and support from their parents.

What teens need

Teenagers can be conflicted between their dependence on their parents and their wish to be self-sufficient. Your teen might defy your attempts to keep them safe by staying out late and engaging in behavior you feel is risky.

But when your child becomes contrary or argumentative, that doesn't mean they don’t want you to continue caring and protecting. In times like these, communication is key. Express your concerns clearly, but also be prepared to hear your teen’s point of view.

Remember, teenagers want what they’ve always wanted from you: love, care, respect, and attention.  Too often, if teenagers are being moody and withdraw into themselves, we respond by ignoring them thinking that they do not want us to interfere.

Choices and responsibility

Teenagers need us to give them choices and responsibility appropriate to their age, even though they may insist they’re perfectly capable of running their own lives and making decisions for themselves. It can help to begin a gradual process in which teenagers learn to take on decision making and gradually assume control. Try to find some middle ground, working out with them what responsibility they could and should take on and increase it as they show what they can do. Young people tend to rise to responsibility, and it helps them build resilience—a necessary life skill.

Helpful attention

Showing your teen that they matter can be as simple as giving them helpful attention. Helpful attention means enjoying and being interested in who they are and what they’re doing, listening when they want to talk, and asking open questions about their interests and what’s going on in their lives. Giving your teen helpful attention helps you develop close and cooperative relationships with them and builds their confidence, resilience, and self-esteem.